Thoughts of a 21 century woman: Dating (continued)

I ended my last post on dating talking about the importance of friendship in dating. With my experience in my own relationship, friendship is the basis of our relationship and truly does keep both of us grounded when it comes to us having spats, problems, etc. Friendships remind us of why we are with the chosen person as well as create a stronger bond that is harder to break. When you have someone to be a friend to you and continues to encourage you regardless of what you want to do, it is so much easier to deflect negative things from this world. Relationships have their fair share of issues from day to day but a friendship reminds you why you love that person and why you are with them. By the way, I am speaking about long term, marriage seeking relationships.

To build on having a friendship with your significant other, it is so important not to get complacent in your role as a significant other. It is really easy to expect the other to continue to go all out all the time and you don't do the same. It is easy for us as women to get in the habit of expecting our men to wine and dine us, romance us and some and unconsciously get used to having that and not returning the effort. Guys like to have that feeling of excitement too; they just don't show it like us. It is important to keep that spark in your relationship; otherwise it gets really easy to fall off track when someone comes along giving you what you want from your significant other. Guys are brought up to be the financial one and the romancer and women are supposed to be Miss I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T or that’s what the song says. How does that even work out if he wants to do for you and you want him to respect your independence? Not to say you have to be 100% submissive but let the man do his job and don’t be so reluctant to pick up the slack if need be. That’s how trust and reliability are built in a relationship. There are countless times I have had to carry the burden of our relationship and even more times that my man has had to do it. I don’t complain because I know that when times get rough, one of us will always be the strong one when the other can’t. (Watch and enjoy video)

Funny Video About Black Couple Negotiations

Now ladies, I will speak on this briefly and come back to it later. But, men work so hard and go above and beyond to please us. When we don’t show that we are appreciative, it makes them feel like they aren’t worth our time, they don’t have what it takes to make us happy, and they get lost in why they are with us. YES, it happens to us. Yes, they love us but feeling like they can’t please us can screw with their ego and their confidence in their abilities to be the best significant other they can be. So, if you have a man, think about all he does for you, and all he doesn’t do. If your do list outweighs the don’ts list, show your man how much you appreciate him and be as good to him as you can be. If your don’t list outweighs your do list, it is time to have a come to Jesus meeting , a crucial, much needed conversation with your significant other or let that sig other go. It might be hard but there is no reason to live your life wanting for something and having someone in place of someone else who could do the job and do it better. It is also important to be reasonably prudent in defining the things you want. Don’t be so quick to throw all the blame on the significant other because we all have things we have to address dealing with self, first. Remember, when you point to someone else, 3 fingers point back at you. So examine yourself 3 times before putting blame on the significant other. More on this later…

--afrYcanviOlet

Thoughts of a 21 century woman: Dating

As I reflect on the last 3 years of undergrad, I think about all of the influences and experiences I have been exposed to in the last few years. Being 5 months from graduation forces me to reflect on the past present and future in order to grow and gain those important lessons that I prayed to God to help me get through. I will start with a popular subject that many young woman are worried about constantly: Dating. It is the inevitable and every parent dreads their daughters having to experience heartache and angst behind a man. As I have had a variety of different guy friends in my life, I have learned that the bottom line about dating someone is, you have to know what you want and you have to be on the same page. My high school teacher once told me that you can't be with someone who is not on your level. I took offense to this as I thought the person I was dating was the best thing since sliced bread. Well, as I look back, it is clear that she was right.It is important to be equally yoked. That way, you will eliminate the drama that comes with the person not understanding why you do what you do. You also find that it is easier to take your significant other to public functions without having to explain why this person can't have an intelligent conversation with your colleagues. It is so easy to settle for someone just because we as women are tricked into thinking that we are limited to what comes to us. Now that I realize that is not so true, I value the relationship that I have now. My significant other is so amazing. He is on the path to greatness and I love to embrace him and the way he supports me in all that I do. He keeps it real with me but he is always pushing me to continue working hard to achieve my dreams. What I wouldn't do without this man.

But to continue discussing dating, we have to learn what we want before we try to tell someone else how to make us happy. It is so easy to seek and find someone who is willing to do whatever it is to make us happy but if we can't do it without the presence of a significant other, as women we have to make it happen for ourselves. Otherwise, having a significant other there is only going to last as long as the person has the momentum to keep going without having that satisfaction returned. Nowhere am I discussing the sexual aspect of dating, that is another conversation but it is important to know and recognize what makes you happy so someone is not playing the guessing game from months or years just to end up hurt. With that being said, ladies, embrace yourselves, love yourselves before trying to get someone else to love you. Otherwise, you will find yourself constantly coming to yourself asking what the problem is. You may find yourself growing into a completely different person from what you initially thought you were. We change and grow so much at different stages in our lives. If you are single remember, there is no rush in dating, get to know yourself, the person, then share yourself. If you are in a relationship, learn make sure you have a friendship with that person as well as a romantic relationship. That friendship will be the foundation of something great and will keep everyone reminded as to why you are there in the first place.